Anxiety Alchemy For Teenage Stress

Please note this page is now inactive but there is a lot going on in a closed facebook group called Teen Stress 101.
We've moved to a closed environment to allow parents of teens to discuss sensitive issues around parenting teens, teen anxiety and their own stresses - away from a public page that other people can see!
The group is run by an anxiety specialist and we have contributions from an Educational Psychologist
... Please come over and join us:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101/
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In my experience the answer to that question is a big fat no!
However, Anxiety Alchemy for teenage stress IS going to be taking a short holiday and so there will be no more posts ifor a little while. But I don't want to leave you in the lurch!! There is another place where you can get help with all issues related to teenage angst.
Here are 3 reasons why you should join teen stress 101
... - Teens Stress 101 is a closed group. The issues we discuss are often quite sensitive and as all members are audited, the forum provides a 'safe zone' to discuss challenges around parenting teens in a non-judgemental environment away from general public view.
- The people in the group are parents of teens too so 'get you'. and are willing to share their solutions to problems. You also get access to a national award winning anxiety therapist who shares her advice and suggestions.
- We covered everything you have enjoyed reading about on this page + a whole lot more and in more detail.
So what have you got to lose?
Come on over and join us and find out if Teen Stress 101 is for you.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101/
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This week we continue with our theme of low self esteem (and if you missed what has gone on already, there have been some great tips shared so just scroll down and have a quick catch up...)
Low self esteem often comes from perception of what other people are thinking about you - and teens do this SOOOO much of the time.
Actually, most of us do it - we judge. And in many ways, we need to to help make sense of things. However, for teens, they will have tendency to assume they a...re being poorly judged.
So this tip is all about 'mind reading' - and it is a close relation of Friday's tip (fact or fiction). The basis of it is going back to looking at fact or opinion - and then we take it one step further!
So the comments to listen for and use this tip on are things like, "My friends think I am stupid" or "Everyone is going to laugh at me"
Your response can come in of two forms: - what is the evidence of that? - what else might they be thinking/what else may happen?
The first option is related to the fact or opinion tip from Friday - what is the evidence to prove that their statement is true?
This opens the dialogue for you to suggest that they could have misinterpreted a look or action and 'mind read' something totally wrong.
The second option then allows other options to be introduced - how else could the look/action etc be interpreted?
I suspect most of us can relate to scenarios where someone looked a certain way and you assumed they were angry/fed up with you etc only to find out that they were thinking about something completely different and just happened to be glancing in your direction. You misread them!
So this tip is all about helping your teen to accept that they cant read minds and so start looking for evidence of their belief - the chances are, there is none!!
And there is one step further to go with this idea too so make sure you like this page so that it comes up on your timeline...
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As we continue to look at language as a key part of building self esteem, here is another way to help challenge what is being said as a way to change how your teen is thinking about themselves (or it could relate to you too...??)
Fact or opinion
The majority of thoughts that we have about ourselves are based on opinion. This little tip is a great one for getting your teen to become aware of how many of their thoughts are based on their own opinion - and this is something they... can change. Anything you can influence, gives you greater control and from control comes greater confidence!
So here is the tip; When you pick up the generalisation/negative comment eg: "She is prettier than me" or "I am never going to be as good at him at football, I am useless", ask "Is that a fact or your opinion?"
Last week I mentioned in a couple of posts about pattern interrupt - this is another use of this fab technique - it stops the train of thought in its tracks and introduces a new question for the mind to get busy with, which will change the outcome.
And this works so well with teens because they love to change their mind! So we can use that tendency in our favour!
So the dialogue could go something like this: Teen: " She is so much prettier than me, I am so ugly" Mum "Is that a fact? Where is the evidence? " Teen "You can just see that her hair is shinier, she has less spots...." Mum "That is just your opinion. I don't choose to see her that way" And leave it there!
This is all quite subtle stuff but again, it is impacting on how the information is processed in the teen's mind. It has taken the comment from a 'fact' to a 'choice' to see something that way - which opens the door to making a different choice!
They wont always open that door but psychologically, the power has been taken away from what was originally going to be taken as fact!
This may take a bit of preparation to think about comments you can make in response to their 'opinions'. However with practise, you will find it comes much more easily.
Please share in the comments box below how you are finding this and maybe even share some of the comments you have said that have really hit home.
Or come and join the teen stress 101 group where this topic is being covered in more depth in the closed environment allowing the members to feel more secure in sharing their teen challenges and get support. https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101/
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Yesterday we took the first steps in learning the technique of generalisation. (if you missed it, scroll down...)
Today, it is looking at the other side of the coin: listen for the generalised negatives - NO ONE, NOTHING, NEVER .
The technique is the same - gently challenge the generalisation.
... eg "I am NEVER going to understand this maths" Response: "I remember a time when you couldn't do the 2 times table, you can now"
Again, the whole point is to challenge their language so that it is internalised differently in their mind to prevent a belief being established.
Gauging your response is going to be something that you will know best to do based on the sensitivity of your child. I have a range of options up my sleeve and pull out the one that I feel is most applicable at the time. Eg "Never is a really long time. How about we go for 10 years!" (sarcastically said!!)
"Then I suggest you give up now and stop wasting time. Shall we look and see what jobs you can get with no maths GCSE?" (harder hitting but can get the message to penetrate)
"I remember you saying you'd NEVER be able to swim when you were 7. I wonder what you will say about this maths when you are 18"
You know your kid better than anyone so use sarcasm, direct challenge, catastrophising etc in a way that will get the message home best.
Again, I would love to get some discussion going on this. Please let me know how you are getting on with this technique in the comments box below.
And there is also discussion on this technique going on in the teen stress 101 group - where parents like you feel more secure in discussing their experiences as its a closed group. If you want to come and see what is going on there, it is just a click away: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101/
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As we continue our focus on building self esteem, in this post, I am going to be helping you with a technique that is really simple - and one that I use with probably 90%+ of my clients.
There are a few elements to it and so we are going to go through it in steps over the next few posts - and it is something that you might like to think about with regards to yourself, not just your teen!
It is about listening for certain words in your teen's (or your!) dialogue.
... Words such as ALL, EVERY, EVERYONE, ALWAYS etc are the ones I want you to listen out for. They are the words that exclude any alternatives.
So you may hear something like:
“Everyone is cleverer than me” “I always get everything wrong”
The action for you is to very gently question this.
What I do with my kids is to simply reply, “Everyone?” or “Always” with that big inflection of voice to indicate I am questioning it.
Usually this is enough to get a grunt of acknowledgement that its not true! But to start off with you may need to clarify: “Everyone? I can think of several people who are not as clever as you...”
Warning!! This may get some resistance. When I first started using this with my kids I got a very definite, “YEAH, EVERYONE” – so beware and have your back up ready – ie I don't think X is as clever as you etc”
So why do this?
This is based on the very simple principle that your mind hears everything you say. So when it hears “Everyone is clever than me” it takes that as fact and this then starts to preclude the ability for exceptions to be true. The more it hears it, the stronger the belief becomes (and the lower self esteem falls).
By challenging that fact – ie making them aware that it is not true – then it leaves the door open to a different belief to be established.
This is a really powerful technique and one I use with most clients. The 'technical' word is generalisations. We 'all' do it and when you start to become aware of how often you use words such as ALL, EVERY etc, you realise how much you exclude the other very real options - ie SOME people are more clever etc - not ALL!
This is one that I would love to get your comments on. Have a think about your own language - what generalisations can you hear yourself saying?
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Our self- esteem campaign continues with Tip 3 (the rest are below and it is worth a quick scroll down to catch up)
Stop comparing
And with this tip comes a bit of a health warning - this one sometimes gets some backlash!!
... Also, this bit of advice is something that will work best if your teen is not aware of what you are doing! So to find the full post, come over to the teen stress 101 group where there the technique is covered in full in a closed environment.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101/
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Last week we started focusing on self esteem issues and there is more to it than just telling your teen that they look lovely, are clever etc as there is a part of their subconscious that just wont buy it. It takes a slightly longer term approach but one that works at this deeper level.
So if you have not seen the last few posts, take a quick scroll down and catch up and then this post will also make more sense to you.
So here is tip 2: what to do when you hear someone putti...ng themselves down:
Reply - "Is that really true?"
This is another question that has a similar impact to Friday's tip and works in the same way.
- the pattern interrupt stops the normal train of thought and this is really important to keep doing. Anything you practice you get better at, so the more your teen gets used to running this cycle of putting themselves down, the more ingrained it becomes. So by interrupting that pattern, it changes it
- the brain loves questions and so by posing a question, it cant help but look for an answer and in doing so, a different part of the brain is engaged.
- it allows you to gauge how low their self esteem is.
Beliefs can be changed and this is something we will also look at in the posts to come. For now, you are still working on building a picture of where your teen is in their relationship with themselves and the clearer the picture, the easier it is to find the right solution.
So tip 2 is another question to have in your armoury - "Is that really true?"
And one last 'tip' ....avoid contradicting them. Its a natural parental response to say, "You are not stupid/fat etc" and then you are just into a confrontation that no-one wins. Leave it with a "That's not what I see".
There is more on this tip and more discussion going on in the teen stress 101 group which is a private group as opposed to this public page. If you want to see what is going on in that community, please pop over and join us: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101/.
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Todays post in the teen stress 101 group is a really quick and easy tip in our theme of helping build self esteem.
To find out what it is, come and join us:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101/
... There will be more tips following next week and we are keeping the meaty stuff for the teen stress 101 group as it is a closed group allowing the members (all parents of teens/pre-teens) to share their experiences in a closed environment, away from their teens, and with people ho 'get them'. Do you want to join us?
More tips next week
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Self Esteem and Language.
What we say we also hear and our mind process it in just the same way regardless of the source. So I am sure you, or your teen, would not tell a friend that they were stupid, or fat, or had bad skin - but I suspect you/they might well say it about yourself/themselves! From an internal perspective though, it makes no difference who is saying it. When your mind hears something enough times , it creates a belief and then this belief will drive a certain... type of behaviour. And that belief can stay in place for life!
So the first steps in using language to build self esteem is to start listening far more acutely to language and what you/they are saying about yourself/themselves. I term this 'having it on the radar'. Be listening out for self-defamatory words and pick up on them.
To find out more about this, come over to the teen stress 101 group where we are sharing information in more depth. THis is a closed environment allowing parents of teens to discuss tricky subjects like this in more depth without the risk of their kid seeing it! So come on over and see what we are up to
https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101
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Step One in our building self esteem campaign can be the hardest to take, but its a critical one to get things moving!
The first step in helping your teen build self esteem is to establish their level of buy in.
To find out more about this, come over to the teen stress 101 group where I am sharing tips in much more depth. The group is full of parents of teens all with the common goal of helping their kids be the best they can be.
... We post in more depth in that group as it is a closed environment allowing members to comment and share concerns safe in the knowledge their kids wont see it1!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101
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Do you or your teen struggle with Low Self Esteem?
When new members join the teen stress 101 group they often share with me the challenges they are facing. By far the greatest topic mentioned is low self esteem.
So for the next few posts in the teen stress 101 group we are going to take a break from exam stress and look at this topic.
... This is an area I am passionate about as this issue as it is not just a teen issue- it is something that many adults struggle with too and I see it time and time again with both the teens and adults I work with
So in the next series of posts I will share some of the tips and techniques I use with my clients - teen and grown up- to help them improve their self esteem.
And before we start - one more question for you!!
If you were to measure your own self esteem, how would you score /10? If your self esteem is low, a good place to start is to work on yourself as your kids will learn from this and it shows them that changes can be made - we are not cast in stone!
So come on over to the teen stress 101 group and learn more about building self esteem: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101
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Would you value getting ideas from other parents of teens?
I 'get it' that few people comment on posts in this public page and that is why we also have teen stress 101 which is a closed group where parents of teens can ask questions and get help from myself from a therapy perspective and also get support from other members
The most recent post from a parent was asking for ideas on how to connect with a teen who had become very distant and uninterested in anything that was not... either on his phone or Fortnite!
So if this is something you think you could get some ideas from too, come and join us
https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101/
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At the end of last week we met Team A and Team B as we approach the last stages of exam time. Today is all about finding a meeting place that allows both teams to be in a better place!
The meeting place however is somewhat more harmonious than this picture! The middle ground for both teams is one where both relaxation and study is balanced.
To find out what the advice is, come and take a look at the full post in teen stress 101 group which you can find here.
... https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101/
Its a closed group where the members - all parents of teens - share ideas and techniques to support their teenagers
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Yesterday we met team A. So today it's team B's intro
In this camp we have those students who are still studying every given opportunity and never getting out of the fast lane and nothing is going to get them to put the breaks on until the last word is written on the last paper.
Is your child in team B?
... Other symptoms include: - Increasing stress as they get closer to the end of exams - lack of focus on personal hygiene, diet etc -poor sleep habits - increasing irritability
Do you have children in team B? What other symptoms are you experiencing?
Please add your own comments below
Monday we find out what happens when team B and A meet!
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Is your child in team A?
Members of this team are already mentally in holiday mode. :Study leave' has been loosely translated into 'holiday' and the motivation to revise is already camping out at Heathrow!
Other 'symptoms' may include:... - the lack of discipline of routine has resulted in sloth mode - they struggle to fit in revision time between getting another solo win on Fortnight - you are they are fighting even more!
Do you have children in team A. What other symptoms are you experiencing?
Please add your own comments below
Tomorrow, meet the opposition - team B will be presented and then on Monday - the meeting of the teams!!
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As GCSEs are well underway and A levels are getting started, many students now have a natural break in the school routine as even though many have been on study leave - the hint was in the name - some will now see this time as holiday time!
There will normally be two camps that form: those who see study time as time off and those who will carry on studying every hour of the day regardless.
Both teams need to find a meeting place in the middle!
... Find out more about that meeting place in the next post
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There is the outburst that is just adrenaline, the fear that things went wrong, and then the possibility that it really did go badly wrong!
I remember my daughter coming out of an exam and telling me she didn't answer a whole section of the test. So there was no reasoning that she might have got it right, might not be as bad as she thinks etc - straight up, that section was going to score zero.
So where do you go from there?
... The answer to this is being covered in today's post in the teen stress 101 group. We keep some posts in there as that environment is for parents of teens rather than a public page, providing a community that can talk about their respective challenges away from the public eye.
Please come over and join us and see what is going on: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TeenStres s101/
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