Cornwall Duchy Council

Cornwall Duchy Council has decided to use A-list Hollywood stars to fill our potholes from now on...as it probably cheaper than using Cormac! If you have a hole that needs filling...and have a particular movie star you'd like to fill it...please let us know and we'll see what we can do 😉

We are pleased to announce that after years of wrangling and negotiations on our part (mainly on the size of the backhander we will receive...) the Disney corporation have at last agreed to build their new flagship Disneyland UK park in St Ives. The park and additional hotels will cover the entirety of St Ives, Carbis bay and Lelant (although they have promised to leave Lelant's new one way system intact)...and Halstown will become the launch point for several rollercoaster r...ides and the water parks Super fun happy slide. A spokesman for Disney said That St Ives was chosen mainly because it would disrupt the least amount of residents (there being only 4 remaining houses that are occupied fulltime)...the availability of bug eyed drone workers to fill their foam costumes...and because of its close proximity to Penzance, making it easy to buy cheap drugs to enhance the experience of their park.
Work starts demolishing the existing buildings in St Ives this Easter.
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You all know we couldn't give a shit... ...and now nor can you!!

To combat this hot and humid weather we've been enduring recently, Cornwall Duchy Council has contacted the electric companies and asked them to turn on them geet fans they've dotted around our landscape...
Hopefully they should be up to full speed by tomorrow and cool it down a bit for us...
You're welcome 😎

It has come to our attention through some of the comments on this page, that some people that have vacationed in Cornwall have had a bad experience or not seen all that our beautiful region has to offer...
So we are proud to announce our new scheme...
*Adopt an Emmet* 😁
... We are looking for some nice cuddly locals to pledge to take these unfortunates under their wing on their next visit, to show them around, to introduce them to other nice locals and to educate them in the Cornish ways...
Please sign up a nice Cornish person below...
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Cornwall Duchy Council are pleased to announce that the pasty mountain In St Austell, that supplies 85% of all pasty shops daily, is fully stocked for the upcoming summer season 😁🌴☀️
Our tireless teams of crimpers have worked night and day through the winter and spring months to build up enough delicious pasties to see us through the silly season.
So raise your next pasty in thanks to those lifesavers...coz I don't know about you...I don't think we'd make it to October without them!!

Seismologists have reported picking up the rumble of the first wave of Emmets crossing the border....brace ya'selves folks....silly season is upon us!! ☀️🤣

After 3 years of tireless work, at last we can announce that Crocs are now banned from Cornish beaches as of the first of August.
This move should cut down the amount of people violently sick on Cornish beaches by 65% per year.
They are still legal on to wear on the streets...but they will be frowned upon, and the wearers are opening themselves up to ridicule and verbal abuse...

*Reminder* It is illegal for holiday makers to upload a photo to social media of Cornwall during bad weather...unless a wave is crashing over a pier or a church or something...

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fb id=816565278540432&id=10000560902196 7

Stop press!!
Cornwall's holiday bookings took a hit today when a Cornishman used the term "Emmit" in a non derogatory manner online...
"Bookings are down by 98.7% since this morning" said one B&B operator..."We now only have a small number of people still booked in to come to our town, and apparently they are coming down to 'teach us a lesson in racism' whatever that means" said one St Ives hotelier.
... Local Cornish language expert Denzil Trembath gave his opinion on this caffufle..."Well my boy...the ways I sees it...tiz all a load of balls!! E twont bein razist to everyone...!!...taint like the fella was discrim-a-nating any one nation or race wos e...everyone becomes an emmit as soon as e leave their own town!!...even uz Cornish"
So, it looks like Cornwall and it's many towns and beaches will be empty this summer folks...
...well apart from the locals who will be able take advantage of having their first summer off work since they turned 14...they are in for their best summer on record!! 🌞😎🌞
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Hear Hear!! 👏

Sadly one of St Ives's top animatronic attractions "Sammy the Seal" was damaged yesterday and has to be taken away for repairs. Dreadful scenes were witnessed by park visitors when a less intelligent cyborg, (that we believe was sent by a rival resort...maybe Westworld), lured the life-like seal towards a spinning propeller blade with a fish! We believe that although this cyborg is obviously completely unthinking and therefore unable to distinguish between right and wrong...local workers at the St Ives theme park would like to catch up with this badly programmed drone...and adjust his circuitry a little...to ensure that the nearly life-like theme park can once again run smoothly for it's paying customers. Any details of this brainless runaway are to be passed on to park security by phoning 101.

When an Englishman tells you that they have just moved to Cornwall because he cannot cope with living with so many immigrants any longer...because they do not respect his traditions or understand his culture... ...and he doesn't quite understand that the Cornish nation and it's people has been here for thousands of years longer than the English... You really do have to wonder if the English understand irony at all...?!

...or Looe...or Padstow...etc etc etc...!

The time to rise up and seize the reins of power will soon be upon us brothers and sisters....
Please do the decent thing and think of our public services before casting your vote.
Let's give ourselves an honourable leader with aspirations to invest in our health and security services for once...
... Vote Labour ❤️
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Cornwall Duchy Council has received correspondence from an American cousin, asking for the Cornish to support him in his fight to regain the throne of this group of countries and once more put the power back in the hands of the glorious Celtic nation.... Trouble is he's Welsh though see.... ....and we always assumed that the Welsh would play the part of entertainment for the Cornish, Irish and Scottish during the new reign of the glorious Celtic nation.....😂
So....shall we support him?