Couples Counselling London

Here would be seven possible ingredients in Love redefined: (FROM THE SCHOOL OF LIFE)
CHARITY Love means, above anything else, benevolence and gentleness towards what is failed, disgraced, broken, unappealing, angry and foul in other people and in ourselves. Love isn’t about an admiration for strength, it’s about directing sympathy in a most unexpected direction: at what is messed up, lost and in pieces, and at what we might hate, resent and be frightened of. Anyone can expre...
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THE TRUE SUBSTANCE OF LOVE by Alain Badiou, French philosopher

STAY MODERATE Everyone gets to be a little nuts in relationships but you have to take turns. When your partner goes off the deep end every once in a while, don’t jump off with them. Make it your business to stay sane and moderate even if they’re not. And don’t be high and mighty about it – your turn will come. THANKS TO TERRY REAL...a wonderful teacher

WHY BEING RIGHT IS WRONG
The relational answer to the question: Who’s right and who’s wrong? Is, Who cares? Objective reality has no place in close personal relationships. Let go of being the voice of authority and speak about your subjective experience – This is how I feel. This is what I recollect. This is what I imagine. A little humility works wonders.

Esther Perel tells us: HOW TO FIGHT SMARTER: Most couples, colleagues and friends think that when they say something during a conflict, it is an absolute truth rather than a reflection of an experience they felt in that situation.
If I feel it, then it must be a fact. If I feel you don’t care about me, then you don’t care about me.
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We can't assume we will know what to do when our relationships feel like hard work and heading towards more conflicts and hurt (where would you have learnt that?). Whether you are struggling to find 'the one' who you can have a loving relationship with, or you find yourself in a relationship that is not as loving as it used to be...then therapy is a way of understanding what is happening and DISSOLVING THE ISSUES GETTING IN THE WAY.

When you give your relationship love and care it will flourish and grow. Don't expect it to survive without your attention and 'watering'!

WHY WE PICK DIFFICULT PARTNERS Watch this brilliant video from The School of Lifel

WHEN IN DOUBT, BE NICE. When in doubt be nicer to your partner. Stay engaged and stay accountable.

HOW TO DE-ESCALTE CONFLICTS: YOU ARE ANGRY, YOU CAN FEEL THE BILE RISING. WHAT DO YOU DO? Use time outs as a circuit breaker – A time out is a rip stop; it is the cord you pull to stop a runaway train, a brake, the thing you use to HALT an interaction that either has crossed over into, or is quickly crossing over into, haywire. Time outs have one job and one job only – to stop abruptly a psychologically violent or unconstructive interaction between you and your partner. Take ...your time out from the “I” – Calling for a time out has everything to do with me and NOTHING to do with you. Calling for a time out means that I don’t like how I am feeling, what I am doing or about to do. Whether or not you think you have a problem with how you’re behaving or how “it’s” going between us is strictly your business. Take distance responsibly – Time outs are obviously a form of distance taking, and like all forms of distance taking there are two ways to do it – provocatively or responsibly. Responsible distance taking has two pieces to it: 1) An explanation and 2) A promise of return. “This is why I am seeking distance and this is when I intend on coming back.” Provocative distance taking, by contrast, has neither – you just take the distance without any explanation or taking care of your partner’s anxieties about your leaving. I also speak of provocative distance taking as incompetent distance taking since it tends to get you chased. Use the phrase (time out) or the gesture (the “T” sign) as an abbreviation. – I’ve often said that there are times when, if you open your mouth to speak, demons will fly out. You may not be able to control that. What is always under your control is the ability to turn heel and leave. – The phrase “time out” or the T sign as a gesture are abbreviations for the following phrase: “Honey, no matter how you may be feeling or assessing things, I don’t like how I’m doing and I don’t trust what I am about to do. So, I’m taking some time to regain my composure and I will be back to you when I do.”
Thankyou Terry Real for being the best mentor.
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POLLUTION....HOW TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP TOXIC FREE Imagine your relationship is in a biosphere of your creation. It is in your self-interest to keep it clean, consciously, mindfully. Every day be that disciple to your relationship (by the way discipline = disciple = devoted). The toxins, are in the form of negativity, withholding love, criticising, being righteous - these are the toxins you will have to breathe back in, in the form of the come back from your partner. You can choose, consciously, to not step in the part of yourself that is sabotaging the biosphere. SET YOUR MIND TO IT - KEEP IT CLEAN!

CRITICISING WHAT YOUR PARTNER HAS DONE WRONG RARELY ENGENDERS AN ATTITUDE OF INCREASED GENEROSITY
Identify what it is that you want. Express yourself, calmly, in a way that can be understood. Break down your request into behaviours that your partner can accomplish.... Reassure your partner that sincere attempts, even if imperfect, will be appreciated. Motivate.
MAKE TALKING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP NOT A SCARY THING!
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So, we all know this saying: If you don’t love yourself you can’t love someone else”; well, the psychological term for LOVING YOURSELF is SELF-ESTEEM.
SELF-ESTEEM IS YOUR CAPACITY TO TO RECOGNISE YOUR WORTH AND VALUE, despite your very human weaknesses and flaws.Your value as a human is not earned, it is not conditional. Your essential worth is neither greater or lesser than any one else.
SELF-ESTEEM IS ABOUT BEING, NOT DOING.... You have worth simply because you are alive
Following on from my discussion about OTHER-BASED ESTEEM with Winifred Robinson on the ‘You and Yours’ Podcast, July 30th; I wanted to talk about why so many of us are in the grip of OTHER-BASED ESTEEM. What is it and Why it matters.
OTHER-BASED ESTEEM IS MORE EASiLY RECOGNISED IN WOMEN. It is the belief that “I have worth because you think I do’. The ‘you’ could be friends, family, work colleagues but more commonly, it means “You the man/woman I care about”. This kind of esteem leads to dependency on the value someone else places on you and is like a kind of drug: tell me I am good/look good/have value and then I will feel good about myself. Programmes like LOVE ISLAND can perpetuate feelings of low self worth and that if TV celebrities show us perfect breasts, bums, abs and teeth, we imagine we are going to be measured against this. Basing your value on another person’s opinions will leave you feeling vulnerable and often sad and hurt. Is this what you want?
A woman who has boldly claimed her Self-Esteem is @CHILDER EGGERUE #saggyboobsmatter. She opens up the conversation around how we value our looks based on how others see us; and how she claimed back her self worth. It is not easy taking responsibility for one’s feelings, learning self-respect and compassion for oneself….but it is worth it!
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CHERISH WHAT YOU HAVE Like the plant in the corner of my room....knowing it needs watering is not the same as actually giving it water. When we loose sight of cherishing what we have, we will not be able to relish what we have worked so hard to attain.