Hexham Seafront

Do you love COCK!? If you do, You can now get your battered cock* from Mr John’s Chinese Delicatessen - brand new to the promenade!
*100% real cock! (And balls)

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: Please flush and use the brush provided in our promenade toilets. You filthy heathens.

This artwork was discovered on the beach this morning. Please can you LIKE AND CHER to help get it returned to the local church?

For those affected by the snow, Hexham Lifeguards are on hand to come and save you. Call them privately on +7 771 235 9856. Ask for Barry and he’ll privately escort you to your destination (within 3 miles) for free (£5,976 admin fee).
Have a safe day.

We are sad to announce that some youths of unknown gender have defaced our gift shop. This will be discussed in the town hall meeting tomorrow. Our friends at Rothbury Harbour were also targeted. Please message us privately if you know who did this.

Download and print your free voucher for the BRAND NEW Argos on the promenade. *One per household (hourly).

Here at Hexham seafront we like to think that we have created a safe environment for our many visitors. With that in mind, we are now looking to ensure that this continues to happen in the future. We have managed to secure funding from one of our local “businessmen” Dave “the fingers” Ingles, to invest in the latest high tec law enforcement robot.

Great night last night the ABBA tribute band went down a treat. Our Resa loved it.
Next week is the Baby shark dance off!

Saturday 6th October is our annual sand castle competition, the sand conditions are perfect.
Meet at the donkey port at 11am to fill in your entry form.
Remember, the standard was high last year,
... Photo credit to last year's winner.
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Hope everyone can make it to the seafront this Sunday.
The Disney cruise ship will be passing by at 1pm!

Book out the Tower for Valentines Day next year? 😍💙

We hope he is found soon x

WE’RE HIRING!!
Due to unprecedented demand at Hexham Seafront this year, we are recruiting a highly motivated and experienced ocean lifeguard. Duties will include patrolling Hexham Seafront for anyone drowning and offering assistance where appropriate. During quieter spells, you will be expected to carry out ocean litter picking including the removal of sanitary products, used condoms, bikes, mattresses, cars and other commonly littered items which plague our shores. Unfortun...ately, litter picking equipment won’t be provided, but we do have some hand sanitiser.
The applicant shall provide their own arm bands and kick board (like the ones you used at school swimming lessons that the fat kid used to eat cos he was hungry) but a used swimming cap will be provided.
An opportunity for international travel will be made available to the successful candidate which will include training at Bondi Beach.
We welcome applications for all members of the community, but will positively discriminate those from under-represented segments of the community such as those from the LGBTQIA+ community.
Application on a post card to: Lifeguard Hut Hexham Seafront H3X H4M
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This is one of the many reasons why we sadly had to close Hexhams nudist beach last week... we just couldn't risk it
https://www.suffolkgazette.com/news/seagu ll-testicle/

Our new Zoo is open. Here’s a Snapchat story from our Zoo Keeper Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff - Senior.

Gerard has found this dead fish on the beach this evening. Does anyone know what type of fish it is?

Apologies on the view today at the seafront but we have an unscheduled zombie apocalypse of pirates coming into the port for the Tall Ships. Enjoy!

Denzel Washingdone will be visiting the laundrette this coming Friday to offer his own unique insight into washing clothing, including towels, factory clothing and bedroom romance rags. Come down to find out if he uses Non-Bio or Bio! 19GMT.