David Bird Cognitive Hypnotherapy & Coaching

STRESSING ABOUT STRESS: Learning to be truly vulnerable
Today I presented a workshop about stress to a business I'm working with. It went well. I had fun. But it wasn't all easy.
When I was asked to do it, I was thrilled. But lost in the haze of enthusiasm was recognising my own inexperience.
... I spend lots of time talking about people, the mind, emotions. All that stuff. But in a therapy context. Knowing a subject is one thing. Packaging it to deliver a specific message to a particular group, though. That's different. (So I've learned).
I'd started drafting it. Then the deadline began to loom. Though that's not what stressed me. The deadline itself wasn't stressful. It was me feeling so alone with it.
Now, it's not like I hadn't talked about it. I mentioned it to everyone. Everyone. But it was the conversations that would've helped most which I'd avoided.
I used to think vulnerability was talking about the difficulties you'd overcome. But it isn't. Real vulnerability is about reaching out when the fan's still taking a shit-beating. Not once you're done cleaning up. You might paint a good before-and-after for your audience once the blades are sparkly again. But is that truly being vulnerable?
Learning to ask for help has been a big part of my journey the last few years. I always felt I had to work things out on my own. And that pattern I began to fall back into.
The irony in becoming stressed over a workshop on reducing stress is not lost on me. And was actually that making me realise, "I need to take my own advice here". So I reached out.
I spoke to the boss, asking to change priorities. And to the team. What I realised is, given the bigger picture, I'd bitten off more than I could chew. And I'd been afraid of saying so. But afraid of what?
Truthfully, I'm still not sure. Maybe rejection, being seen as weak. Or just a negative reaction. Still, nothing like that happened. Instead, I got the help I needed. As well as compassion and understanding for my honesty. And an increased sense of camaraderie as a result.
They say life keeps sending you the same lessons until you've learnt them. And reaching out is one I'm still working into the muscle.
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Ran a Mental Health and Wellbeing workshop today. This was the calm before the storm. Wasn't actually stormy. And even got a room of 50 people tapping their faces. (Well. Most of them).

DARE TO SHARE: DEFEATING THE ALMIGHTY SHOULDS
I've always spent time on my own. Probably too much at times. Some is needed.... But too much disconnection is rarely good.
We need to interact as human beings. To feel connected and..significant, in a way. Like we matter to each other. To share the shit we're afraid is true, and only true for ourselves. So we can be assured it isn't. Or at least that others feel the same. We're all in it together.
I regularly remind those who sit in front of me of that. And it reminds me too. But on days like this, I begin to forget. The shoulds begin to pile up. And it feels like falling behind. Slacking, almost. Because I should know better. Because I can see more is possible. Somehow.
And yet, that understanding. Those shoulds. They're only more demotivating. The same contradictory thinking is so obvious to everyone else when giving your evidence aloud. But on your own, there's no-one to reflect the bullshit back. And so it goes easier under the radar. The brain plays its smoke and mirrors. And it's easier to believe the oxymoronic sound-bites that leave you feeling defeated. Less-than.
But by its nature, a contradiction can't be true. Not in isolation. Either one side is true and the other isn't. Or both are true, but information is missing. This kind of paradox only exists when you don't have the whole picture. And it's why sharing is important. To reach out. To connect.
Everyone has tough days. Even the most seemingly-got-it-together people. And as a therapist, I find it hard to admit when I do. Because part of me feels I should know better. Be able to do better. And if I don't, how do I help others? But it's only part of me.
And maybe that's the thing to remember. Maybe it's about accepting ourselves enough to apply the same rules - and exceptions - we do to everyone else.
No-one has it all figured out. No-one I've met yet, anyway. Even if I thought they did. But together we must know more than we do alone. So here's to reaching out. To daring to share. Asking for a little help when it's needed. And beginning to break the illusion that some people can get to places others of us can't.
Because it just isn't true.
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CUTE TO KILL: The Real Reason You Can't Stand Your Partner At Times (And What You Can Do About It)
"I just LOVE IT when they do that!" you once said about that now-really-annoying thing your partner does. Probably around the honeymoon period.
So what changed?
... One of my favourite expressions of infatuation is at the end of Moose Blood's song 'Cheek':
🎵You're my favourite when, 🎵You're smoking on the pavement and, 🎵You've got your collar up, 🎵You're talking too much. 🎵And god damn it's cold.
Right. Let's break this down.
Your conversation partner is talking for you both. Not just a lot. It's too much. And It's cold. So cold in fact, you're getting JC's old man involved.
If it was any old Randy Random, you'd interrupt the lack of verbal reciprocity with a loud "JEEZ IT'S COLD OUT HERE". And quickly upgrade in both temperature and attention.
But it's not Randy. It's that person. The one who regresses you to 14. Everything they do is cute. So much so, you'd risk frostbite just to hear them not let you get a word in edgeways. So why the rose-tinted glasses?
Our old friend, cognitive bias.
Your brain struggles to hold two conflicting ideas at once. It creates cognitive dissonance. And it's constantly fighting to reduce it. Even if it has to bends reality to do so.
Ever had a conversation with someone prejudiced about "those types of people". Only to have listen as they explain away 'exceptions' to their rule? That kind of rationalising the brain does all the time.
If 'that thing' annoys you now, it probably always did. It just got rationalised in the infatuation haze. So what can you do now?
Your brain makes a pattern match when 'that thing' happens. The first step to get some control back is recognising this: it's not about the thing. It's what the thing means to you.
Try asking yourself these:
❔What about 'that thing' annoys me so much?
❔If there was something it reminded me of, what would it be?
This can help get perspective. It might not eradicate the irritation. But it can give you an experience of how it really isn't about the person doing it. It's about your brain's interpretation.
Experience that, and real change can begin.
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CUTE TO KILL: The Real Reason You Can't Stand Your Partner Anymore (And What You Can Do About It)
"I just LOVE IT when they do that!" you once said about that now-really-annoying thing your partner does. Probably around the honeymoon period.
So what changed?
... One of my favourite expressions of infatuation is at the end of Moose Blood's song 'Cheek':
🎵You're my favourite when, 🎵You're smoking on the pavement and, 🎵You've got your collar up, 🎵You're talking too much. 🎵And god damn it's cold.
Right. Let's break this down.
Your conversation partner is talking for you both. Not just a lot. It's too much. And It's cold. So cold in fact, you're getting JC's old man involved.
If it was any old Randy Random, you'd interrupt the lack of verbal reciprocity with a loud "JEEZ IT'S COLD OUT HERE". And quickly upgrade in both temperature and attention.
But it's not Randy. It's that person. The one who regresses you to 14. Everything they do is cute. So much so, you'd risk frostbite just to hear them not let you get a word in edgeways. So why the rose-tinted glasses?
Our old friend cognitive bias.
Your brain struggles to hold two conflicting ideas at once. It creates cognitive dissonance. And it's constantly fighting to reduce it. Even if it has to bends reality to do so.
Ever had a conversation with someone prejudiced about "those types of people". Only to have listen as they explain away 'exceptions' to their rule? That kind of rationalising the brain does all the time.
If 'that thing' annoys you now, it probably always did. It just got rationalised in the infatuation haze. So what can you do now?
Your brain makes a pattern match when 'that thing' happens. The first step to get some control back is recognising this: it's not about the thing. It's what the thing means to you.
Try asking yourself these:
❔What about 'that thing' annoys me so much?
❔If there was something it reminded me of, what would it be?
This can help get perspective. It might not eradicate the irritation. But it can give you an experience of how it really isn't about the person doing it. It's about your brain's interpretation.
Experience that, and real change can begin.
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WHAT'S YOUR TYPE? 4 Brand New Personality Types And What It Means For You
We all love a personality test, don't we? "Tell me who I am!" your inner voice screams. The need to understand ourselves - and what it means - seems so ingrained.
Exciting new research shows how the 'Big 5' personality traits get expressed together. Based on the interplay of questionnaire answers, it categorises people into four new types.
... ⭕Role-model ⭕Self-Centred ⭕Reserved ⭕Average
These are based on the sliding scales of these five traits: . 🔶️Openness to experience - curiosity or caution? 🔶️Conscientiousness - organised or laid back? 🔶️Extraversion - outgoing or alone-time? 🔶️Agreeableness - peacekeeping or challenging? 🔶️Neuroticism - sensitive or secure?
It's great to learn about yourself, right? More understanding equals more certainty. But what if it's just a snap-shot? What if these traits are just the result of how your brain is at the moment?
What if: . 🔴You dream of being more spontaneous, but can't stop worrying about money, work, and everything you 'must' plan for. . 🔴Everyone says how organised you are, but you only do it because it's too stressful when you don't. . 🔴You secretly long to meet more people, but are held back by crippling social anxiety you just can't shift. . 🔴You disagree with people, but often keep quiet because you're afraid of a fight. . 🔴Part of you knows you're skilled at something, but at times you just can't shake off the voice of doubt.
So imagine. If you could stop the worry, feeling calmer and more capable, comfortably stand up for what you believe in, and believe in yourself when it mattered most - wouldn’t your score change?
The great thing about these tests isn't that they help you understand who you are. But understand where you're at now. Neuroplasticity says your brain can change. Don't let a label define you. Use it as a starting point. How do you get from where you are now to where you want to be?
Maybe your answer isn't clear straight away. But recognising you can ask the question - that makes you infinitely more likely to get one.
Take the personality test here: https://sapa-project.org/
Study ref.: A robust data-driven approach identifies four personality types across four large data sets (2018)
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POSITIVE HALLUCINATION . Revised advert. Proverbial blue smartie if you spot it. . #importanceofproofreading

INHALATION BIAS
Do you enjoy smoking? Or still trying to quit?
I smoked a lot in my late-teens. I told everyone I loved it. I believed it. But it wasn't true.
... A few years on, it was normal for my friends to ask, "are you smoking at the moment?". It was a running joke. Because I'd quit cold-turkey for a few weeks, then quickly be back chain-smoking in the pub garden. Like a human yo-yo. But why?
Cognitive bias.
Cognitive biases help your brain stitch reality together. But they also make it less realistic. And more..biased. Ever had someone explain "well, that's different because.." to some contradictory evidence you offered about a strong belief they have?
The world isn't consistent. And neither are we. But inconsistency makes us anxious. So our brain prefers to rationalise (i.e. bullshit us) rather than contradict itself.
Eventually, I discovered smoking - to me - meant inclusion. A reason to stand outside and not feel awkward. To start conversations. Be accepted. Not feel alone. I had no idea at the time though. Only the god-awful cravings.
All habits and behaviours have a positive, unconscious intention. But it's rarely logical, and we don't get a memo. We can, however, start to dig:
"What do I LOSE because I do this?" "What would I GAIN from stopping?"
We've usually asked those before. Probably no real surprises. So try these:
"What do I GAIN from this?" "What would I LOSE from stopping?"
A common first response is "nothing!" So stick with it. Ask "what if there WAS something?". Because it probes your unconscious intentions - and fears - about what smoking really means to you.
Serve someone a bowl of soup, then offer them a fork or a straw. They'll ask for a spoon. But I'd bet money they choose straw over fork when there's no spoon around. Your brain looks for simple, available solutions to its problems. Not good ones.
Once your unconscious has a strategy, it tends to stick to it. Until we offer a better one. So when it comes asking for that proverbial straw, take a moment, and start by asking what it's for.
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BEDTIME STORIES
Do you struggle with sleep? Too little or too much, maybe always feeling somewhat tired?
I used to chronically procrastinate sleep. Eventually I discovered a belief, "going to bed early = less time to do stuff = not good enough". And I've found this kind of miscalculation quite common.
... It's easy to get into the habit of just accepting our sleep habits.
"I can't fit in work, my social life, AND enough sleep" "I'm just not a good sleeper" "I need a lot of sleep. I'm a very tired person" "My brain just can't switch off if it's too early"
I'm sure you've heard people say similar. Maybe even you. But what if it weren't true? What if it was just a plausible narrative, repeated because it made sense once upon a time?
Much has been written on good sleep hygiene. Don't eat before bed. Don't watch TV or use your phone in bed. Have a regular routine. Limit daytime naps. But how many do you actively practise? Or have you even tried?
Ironically, I'd also get really anxious about not getting enough sleep. To the extent I'd cancel social plans if I couldn't get home to my own bed. And, because of that, I actually trained my brain to feel awful whenever I woke up just a little under-slept.
That's the power of unconscious beliefs.
It's easy to stick with our current story. Because it makes sense. Especially if it's unchangeable, or about us as a person: "I'm not a good sleeper", "it's impossible for me to go to bed any earlier". Why try to change if you can't?
Sometimes it can be as simple as realising our assumptions are just that: not true. And sometimes there's more to it. So you might need a little more than a relaxing bedtime ritual to dial down the brain-stress enough to wake with a spring in your step.
But let's start with the notion that things CAN change.
You might be surprised just how much more open you are to trying some of the things that could begin to do just that.
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ARE YOU EVEN MOTIVATED, BRO?
Do you ever feel like what you're doing just isn't enough?
Exercise is good for you. Everyone knows. Turns out, you can over-do it though.
... As expected, a recent study found a positive association between regular exercise and good mental health (60-90 minutes exercise 3 times per week).
But, it also found a negative association for those who go hard more often than going home (more-than-5 times per week, or 90+ minutes).
Now, I'm a Cognitive Hypnotherapist. Not a personal trainer. I won't debate optimum workout regimes. I'm more interested in the motivation. And these findings don't give the 'why'.
I got into weight-training a few years ago. I haven't done it for over a year. But I did nearly every day. And I felt better for it. (Some of the time).
What I didn't feel great about was a bad workout. Or a missed workout. Even when I physically had to because my body was screaming "STOP PUNISHING ME YOU MENTALIST". I was frustrated and angry at giving in.
I felt like a failure.
Being motivated is great. But there are two types: towards and away-from. AKA carrot and stick.
Both get you moving, but only carrots leave you feeling good on arrival. And because 'stick' is fear-based, you can be perpetually scared. Of breaking the chain. Falling off the wagon. Losing gainz.
Terrified of failure.
So. Does mental health suffer because you exercise too much? Or do you exercise too much because of your mental health? This is my interest.
How do you feel missing a training day? Accept life gets in the way sometimes, or angry and upset with yourself? What about booking a holiday? Happy taking a week off, or fretting to find a local gym?
"What's most important to me about exercising?". "What does it mean for me if I stop?". "What am I really afraid of?"
Start questioning. Find out what's really driving you.
It took me a little while to get this. And to learn - and really believe - I'm good enough as a person whether or not I can bench-press my own bodyweight. And now, funnily enough, I don't lift weights anymore.
I do run regularly though. But I'm a lot kinder to myself now about taking a few days off.
Study ref.: Association between physical exercise and mental health in 1·2 million individuals in the USA between 2011 and 2015: a cross-sectional study
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FEAR: A TRICK OF THE LIGHT
Have you ever believed you couldn't do something even though others can?
I jumped out of a plane recently.
... I knew I'd be strapped to an experienced instructor. That they'd have a parachute. I knew, consciously, I'd be safe. And that it'd likely be an amazing experience.
I was still fucking terrified.
The thing about fear is that it isn't real. I don't mean the feelings. Anyone who's ever missed a stair or swung a little too far back on their chair will tell you those feeling are most definitely real. What I mean is, it's an illusion.
Fear is just a trick of the light.
You're not scared of the thing itself. You're scared of your interpretation. Of what it means. And it's not always true.
I wrestled with it. It'd be so easy to opt out. But then, what would I learn? Deep down, I knew it was all just smoke and mirrors.
Turns out, my fear was actually about jumping into deep water. (Go figure). It made sense though. How my brain linked them. And, using the tools and techniques I use on a weekly basis with my clients, I put that fear to bed.
I was still nervous on jump-day. Though the nerves came in waves. One minute we'd be laughing. And then it'd hit me again: "FIFTEEN THOUSAND FEET".
Ascending, I got myself to calm place. Then the door went up. "Oh god. It's happening". I lifted my head. The instructor rocked us back. Then forwards.
And we fell.
I don't have words to describe what free-falling through the air at 125mph feels like. Exhilarating is probably the closest. But it just doesn't have the depth.
There was a strange sense of safety there too. A belief that, despite everything, it was all going to be ok.
If you'd have asked me last year "do think you'll ever skydive?", I'd have laughed. "What could I POSSIBLY gain from that?". But here's what I learned:
Stay uncertain about what you believe.
Beliefs are mental shortcuts. They have to feel real to work. But it's just a trick of the light. Just like fear.
It can be worth asking, "is this really true?". Because it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Your brain can change.
Now I know I can jump out of a plane. And who knows, I might even look forward to it next time.
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KEEP SHOWING UP
Do you ever just feel like you're not getting anywhere? Like you make plans, but then they just don't happen?
I've had two weeks of that.
... I went to a festival. I don't think anyone really sleeps properly at festivals. I definitely didn't. And my body clock's been reminding me ever since.
Every.single.day.
I'd begun to get quite disheartened. Setting my alarm for a good time to have a productive morning. Expecting to get certain things done by the end of the day. But alas, life's been throwing me curve balls.
And it's all too easy to take it personally. To think "I must be doing something wrong". "I should be being better". Today was different though.
Today I got up when my alarm went off. Today I didn't feel exhausted. Actually. it started last night. I spent a good few, focused hours working on things I hadn't had the energy to sustain for a while.
As if, all of a sudden, things just fell back into place.
It's all too easy to get fixated on the map as if it really is the territory it represents. But as the adage goes, "no plan ever survives first contact with the enemy". It's a plan. And that's all it is.
So I've had to remind myself: keep showing up.
When the curve balls keep coming, it doesn't mean don't make plans. If plans help, then make them. Just remember: they're only plans. If it's not working, change it up. Do things differently. Break off smaller chunks.
But keep showing up.
We do better when we aim for progress, not perfection. One step is better than none. Half a step is still better than none. It's the reason we say "baby steps". Keep showing up.
Split things smaller if you have to. What's the smallest possible step you could take that still means progress? Do that each day and you'll be a lot further ahead than if you'd have stayed put.
Keep.showing.up.
Even if some days it feels like you're not making any progress. Keep showing up. Because you might make more progress some days than others. But you can't make any at all if you're not where you need to be to start. "To begin, begin". And begin by showing up.
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CANDLE-STICK CRAFT
I love early mornings now.
Lucky, really. As I have little choice this weekend, sitting here on the train to LDN, enroute to the third module of my Master Practitoner training. (I'll be a certified NLP Ninja come November).
... I used to be a real night owl. But I (reluctantly) managed to train myself out of that a few years ago.
I'm still not a fan of the early night. So then comes the candle-stick challenge. And, as I'm sure we've all experienced, there's only so much time you can spend warming both ends.
I'd love to tell you that last night was the sensible, textbook choice. Where I cut short what I was doing. Left early. Made space for a full recharge.
It wasn't though.
I went to bed at gone midnight and woke aroud 5. (Cheers, brain). And this is something I'd never have done a couple of years ago.
I used to get so anxious about not sleeping enough. About being tired. About how hard it'd make the day. How much harder I'd have to work to be good enough. (Whatever that is).
Little did I realise it was the anxiety that was stressing me out and making my day harder. Fear is tiring. And I was tired most of the time.
So, no. Today I'm not likely to be as chipper as I would be had I left everyone last night about 8pm. But no amount of mid-lecture micro-napping will have me wishing I'd spent less time with some of the people who matter most to me.
Not all decisions leave you with a win-win product. Hence the need to decide. But it's often worth asking:
What's really driving the decisions we make? What's behind the reasons we give?
Is it coming from a place or growth? Or a place of fear?
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Local to Leighton Buzzard?
You may catch this in the June edition of Leighton's 'Bee Local' magazine! Just arrived :)