Inverclyde Independent

Who's this Johnny that Steven Black refers to?

James Patterson saw a film about heroin addiction, infant death, sex with under age girls, violent friends and AIDS and instantly thought of The Port.

Samantha Paterson's been spending too much time down south
We also have enough memes for the entire month now so thanks for all yer submissions but we're done now

LOCAL ADDICTS OFFER TO CLEAN UP STREETS
Local Heroin and Valium addicts have stepped up to the mark in Inverclyde, offering to rid the streets of street diazepam mixed with Fentanyl.
Bampot Tam Broon and his one-legged fuckwit mate Stevie told the Indie at the Kilblain Street bus-stops "We're worried aboot the weans and that", at which point their eyes closed and they rocked back and forward for a minute before continuing, "It's a pure heavy deal man, aw we're really hinking ...is to get these pills aff the streets. So, if your kind readers could see their way to gien us any change they hiv, we'll buy them up and make sure the weans cannae get a haud of them. It's oor civic duty mate."
We're proud to have such outstanding people in our community willing to perform selfless acts of kindness to protect others. So we slipped them 87 pence and we hope you will hand over your odds the next time a wee mad junkie asks you to - you're helping make sure no one else ends up right off their cake.
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But have they got a GIFTO or an AROOJ but? Naw! Have they fuck. Cheeky cunts.

Where’s the Indies offer? Not even a nod to the best news service in Inverclyde. Shocked and bloody appalled!

Laurence Deveney knows the pain is all too real...

Somebody find out what chippy served this dick so we can petrol bomb it

In a display of constant skirmishing, thy populace and plebeians insist on inebriated fencing and belittling thy bystanders.
Iss toon...

Naw Helen Clocherty. It's naw OK. Okay?

CLLR MCCABE DISGUSTED AT BORIS JOHNSON
Stephen "Wee Stevie" McCabe was loud in his disgust and disapproval at Boris Johnson for shouting at a woman.
"There is no way a man of his age should be shouting at a woman. It's naw right" said McCabe who has previous for being caught shouting at women.
... "How can we trust someone to lead" said the former council leader "when they can't even be trusted to show restraint when dealing with another human being." who has previous for hurling abuse at women in public.
"It could almost be understandable if it was over something important" whined Wee Stiv. "But I understand the shouting and balling was over some spilt wine" he continued whilst trying to forget he gave some poor wifey dugs abuse ootside a church because her daughter asked him a question he didnae like on twitter.
"And I heard this happened in one of the fancier areas of London. Ye wouldn't expect this in those places" continued Toatsie Stefan who was publicly ridiculed for causing a scene outside a church in Kilmacolm when he started shouting at some lass.
"People were getting on with their own lives only to have this maniac ruin their day by screaming at a woman" opined Miniscule Steph who shouted at a woman so loudly outside the chapel in Kilmacolm it caused the interruption of a Christening.
Boris Johnson, when approached for comment said, "Can you believe these stupid cunts are honestly gonna vote me in?"
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This one from Gary Mc shoulda went up last week but I forgot he sent it. So give it some love.