Jokes

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John Park Motherwell

A carpet fitter fought of a couple of muggers, using just a small nail he found in his pocket. As he explained latter: ‘A tack is the best form of defence.’

What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot? A walkie—talkie.

Brave Billy still makes us all laugh Great to see the big yin looking well and happy during a walkabout in Manchester this week before his latest tour, High Horse. Billy Connolly has had a couple of rough years health-wise, after battling with prostrate cancer and a diagnosis of Parkinson's disease, yet he's still as sharp as ever. Walking on to stage with a rapturous applause, he told the crowd: 'ach, you're only doing that because I'm Ill.' PS I thought of Connolly this week when the first flakes of snow (OK sleet) fell across the country. As the wise sage once said: There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?? Dinomite.

A husband walks into the bedroom with a paracetamol tablet and a glass of water. “Are you feeling all right, love?” ask his wife, concerned. “Yes” he says. “This is for your head.” “But, I don’t have a headache,” his wife replies, before clutching her hand over her mouth. “Gotcha” the man whoops.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck.

A couple have been having sex for ages with no success. Finally, the husband collapses, exhausted. “What’s the matter?” enquires the wife. “Are you struggling to think of someone too?”

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll se about that!

A boxer friend on mine texted me to say he’d been fixed up with a title fight against a German, named only as Hans. I wished him luck. A few days later, he texted: ‘I won! Hans down!’