Pegasus Airport Express

One for most of us taxi drivers!

Todays story is probably my favourite of all time! And its the same guy who cut his hand open on the corned beef tin and who has featured in around half of these stories....
This driver picks some smartly dressed customers in suits up and they are going to an address at East Dene, when he gets to the house he realises its an address he used to pick a couple of women up from some years before, lets call them young Mrs Smith, who is in her fifties and old Mrs Smith who is in he...r eighties, Of course old Mrs Smith, the same as all old biddies LOVES him and as he pulls up young Mrs Smith, also smartly dressed, comes up to the car
"Hello, have you come to see my mother"
Of course he is as eager to please as ever
"Yes, of course, i haven't seen her for ages"
As he walks in he sees other people he knows
"Hello love, how are you, yes i'm fine, not seen you in ages" etc etc as he chats away to all these smartly dressed people, cracking his usual jokes
"Shes in there" says young Mrs Smith, pointing him into the dining room
"Hello love, how are you" he says as he walks in the door
He suddenly stops in his tracks as he enters the room and sees old Mrs Smith laid out in front of him, arms crossed, in her coffin, dead as a dodo!!
He had managed to take people dressed in black suits to a house, walked through a house full of people dressed in black, cracking his usual jokes, full of the joys of spring, and not noticed he was at a funeral!!
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Heres a lesson on running a business
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.... "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy!
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Anyone who lives is S61 and gets an airport letter from us may wonder how they miraculously appear overnight with no stamp on! Well i usually hand deliver them while walking the dog, usually this works great and gives me and the dog some variation, but not last night!
I had one to deliver in Munsbro at the top of Wagon Rd, I know its about a half hour walk through the woods so i pop my tea on and ask the wife to turn it up for me so its about ready in an hour when i get back
...First I get in the woods and its like paddling, im too far in to bother turning round so i carry on slipping and sliding looking like a cow walking on ice
I get to the address at Munsbro and realise i have mixed the streets up, its not at the top of Wagon Rd, its the bottom of St Marys, around another 15 minutes away
I get there and realise they are 3 story flats, but you can access the top story if need be, i get to mine and, of course, its the top story, i go up and its the only one that has a gate across, presumably to keep people out at night, so i cant post the letter anyway, total waste of time
I set off back and decide not to walk through Munsbro woods but to walk back through Wingfield woods, i know theres a pretty solid path with just a bit of grass at the end
The flats in Munsbro have open plan gardens and the dog decides to wander right in front of someones window and take a massive shit. i debate just leaving it but they may have cctv so im trying to crouch down in front of the window cleaning a horse sized shit up hoping they dont hear me
On my way back I go through Wingy woods, hit the one patch of grass, which is unbelievably slippy, just as the dog sees a cat and bolts for it pulling his extender lead out, nearly choking himself and sending me off balance, i look like someone has hit me with a taser while i jerk about trying not to fall but eventually go arse over tit and land in the mud
Just then the wife texts to ask how long i will be as i said an hour and its an hour and a quarter and she wants to go to bed. I say another 15 mins but i need a bath (in the ensuite bathroom)
I get in and my tea has congealed, she is in the spare bed, presumably with the face on and my coat and trousers are covered in mud, the dog ignores commands to go in his basket and covers the floor in muddy pawprints so ive got to mop that too
So next time a letter just appears think of the pain i may have gone through to deliver it!
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Todays tale involves a long since departed Scottish gentleman
By this time he was probably a bit too old to be driving taxis and every time he went out you bit your nails and sure enough one day it comes over the radio "Ive had an accident" We instantly assume its his fault but ask him, over the radio what has happened and he says "Im in the middle of a 3 car pile up"
Well thats not so bad, cant be his fault, its always the rear cars fault, and the cars the oldest most knacke...red car on the fleet (He always got the worst car - just in case) And that means the oldest, worst car on the fleet will get replaced at someone elses insurance bill, happy days! We tell him to get both guys insurance details, establish the cars driveable and to limp it back to the office
There is damage to the front of the vehicle and the rear wing, which is a bit odd but not impossible but he only has one persons insurance details, he says that guy has got details for both cars.
So a bit later we ring the guy (this is before the days of mobiles)
"Hello, our car had an accident with you earlier"
"Yes"
"Hes only got your details not the guy at the rear, we assume it was the rear guys fault"
"No it was your drivers fault"
"How can it be? Its always the rear drivers fault"
"Not in this case"
"Hmmm ok, we'll let the insurance decide that, can i have your details"
Gives me the details
"And the third car?"
"The same?"
"What you own the third car too?"
"Yes"
"This sounds a bit like an insurance fiddle to me, you are driving both cars and my driver pulls in between them, thats a bit dodgy"
"Not when im trying to tow it and your stupid driver tries to pull inbetween us despite the tow rope it isnt".......
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****PLEASE SHARE**** Pro tip for anyone booking a holiday that can save you some cash!
When you go on a site like skyscanner to find cheap flights you will normally select a return trip, for example going out from Manchester to Spain with a return back to Manchester
... Try looking for one way prices from different airports, so check the prices outward you may find Manchester to Spain is the cheapest but on return it may be Spain to East Midlands is cheaper
All Skyscanner does if you ask for a return journey is add the takeout price and return price together, so say Manchester to Spain is £100 but Spain to Manchester is £250 that will come up as £350 for a return journey, but it may be East Mids to Spain is £260 and Spain to East Mids is £100 that would come up as £360. But if you look for separate trips you can get Manc to Spain for £100 and Spain to East Mids for £100, costing you £200 total, in this case a saving of £150 per person
You then just book a taxi to take you to one airport and fetch you back from another - obviously take into account any extra taxi costs if the airports are further away
Preferably US!!!!
You just need to make sure if you are flying with different airlines you comply with the different baggage regulations. It doesnt work everytime, sometimes its cheaper to book a return trip - but its worth spending 10 mins looking
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One thing Pegasus Airport Express do is send our customers a letter of confirmation out through the post (assuming you haven't left it till the last minute to book - and in that case we can email it if you ask) This allows you to check all the details of the booking and find any problems before they happen to ensure they dont happen!
Its the easiest thing in the world to mishear the 13th for the 30th or you mistype a 2 rather than a 3 online and the date of your holiday is wrong and no taxi there! Having the letter gives you peace of mind and prevents that

Todays story involves a gentleman who was working for me in the office, one day i hear him say, whilst answering the phone
"You cant ask for that"
Everyone looks at him and I ask whats up
... "Ive got a lady on the phone who wants to know if she can pay the driver in sexual favours"
We all sort of look at each other in shock and say no so The operator says no to her, she answers and he says (literally repeating word for word) "She says shes got blond hair, big tits and gives a good blowjob"
By this time we had all recovered our composure a bit and i said "Tell her all our drivers are married men"
"She says thats ok, she wont tell their wives"
"Tell her we have a lot of couples who work here"
"She doesnt mind a threesome"
Realising the wind up possibilities here I took the phone from him I said to the lady (who i must admit sounded rather sultry) "None of the drivers would do it love, its 2pm on a Wednesday afternoon and they have to go on their school runs"
"Oh, I love kids"
After a few seconds of imagining trying to explain to the council why one of our drivers had turned up for a school run with a prostitute i say
"Errr yeah, anyway they are all married, however The gentleman in the office is a single man"
At this point he looks as if he is going to spontaneously combust, he turns a bright purple colour whilst saying NO NO NO"
"I dont mind as long as that covers the fare"
"Ah you cant, hes got to stay in the office"
"I dont mind coming to the office"
"Other customers might come in"
"They can watch"
He resembles a blood orange by now
"No we cant do that"
"Have you got any younger drivers"
I did have, and turned to one!
He turns a similar colour to The Operator and gets out of the office faster than a taxi driver who entered a slimming world meeting in error
"I do have a lady driver who may be interested"
" I dont mind that"
Our lady driver similarly gives me two fingers and swears at me
"Oh she says no"
"I am very good with women"
"Errr, im sure you are"
By this stage i have run out of victims in the office to wind up, they have all fled with only The operator left, and thats only cos hes being paid but realise im getting out of my depth
"Actually The operator is still here, he says he may be interested if you do anal"
"I dont mind, does he want me to do his arse or him do mine?"
By this point The operator has bust around 50 blood vessels and has nearly collapsed with shock, however i have run out of ideas to suggest to the woman, i couldnt imagine her turning anything down! So i said "Sorry love his piles are playing up"
She then called me a useless wanker and hung up!
Im just glad the pig semen guy was no longer working for us!
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Ready for booking your annual holiday? Remember to factor the cost of travel to the airport when deciding where to go from, to get a taxi from the S61 postcode, our return prices are from Doncaster £70 East Mids £120 Manchester £130 Leeds Bradford £120... Birmingham £160 Liverpool £190 Heathrow £320 Gatwick £390
Prices from all other postcodes and to all UK airports are available on our website www.pegasusairportexpress.com
Its quite often worth bearing this in mind, for example if you can fly from Birmingham and its £50 per person cheaper and there is 4 of you you are saving £200 and its only around £30 more in a taxi for a journey thats around 20 minutes longer each way (sometimes less), £170 between 4 of you for 40 minutes extra travel isnt bad!
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2020, time to forget Xmas and book your holiday! And the best way to get to the airport is via taxi! Check out www.pegasusairportexpress.com for the best prices
CCTV in all vehicles All drivers fully DBS checked... All drivers BTEC/NVQ qualified Vehicles licensed by RMBC to amomgst the best standards in the country All UK airports covered Established over 25 years
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Its a Celebrity tale today!
Most people here will have seen Coronation St and may remember the character of Ivy Tilsley, well she was played by a lovely lady called Lynne Perrie who lived in Maltby and used to use our taxi service
This was just after Lynne left Coronation St and had drawn headlines by appearing on a late night show on Channel 4 or 5 in which she behaved rather innapropriately towards a scantily clad young gentleman, im sure anyone who wants to see it can find... a clip somewhere
Anyway Lynne released an autobiography which really was a warts and all book and told of many of Lynnes infidelities in her younger days, despite being married for many many years, her husband was a bit of a recluse and despite taking Lynne for many years i had never met him
One day i get a phone call from Lynne saying "I need you to go round every shop that sells books in Maltby and buy every copy of that book i wrote, every single one, but just in Maltby"
Strange requests from Lynne were quite common and i knew she would give me the money back and more than cover the taxi fare so between jobs that afternoon i visited everywhere that sells books and bought every copy, a few hundred pounds worth! And as you can imagine i got a few strange looks but telling them "My mums a big fan" seemed to be enough to placate the staff, though why that made sense i do not know!
So with many copies of the book in a bin bag i go to Lynnes house and knock on the door, she would usually just shout me in but on this day came rushing out, purse in hand, clearly agitated, asking what she owed me, she paid me and i asked where she wanted the books and she said just to get rid of them, take them home and burn them
With that i had to ask the obvious question of why she wanted all the books just to burn them, thinking she must be trying to boost sales for some reason
"Derek doesnt know about any of that stuff i did when i was younger - he doesnt even know i wrote the book but he only goes out 1 day a week to do his shopping and never goes out of Maltby - if he reads that book he will kill me, So i need to make sure he doesnt see it"
So once a week for months i had to do the run round buying all copies of the book in Maltby, of course the retailers were resupplying as they were selling their stock so quickly, In Maltby, at least, it was a best seller!
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Bit of a Christmassy tale for today, few years on from her previous stories and we are doing transport for the council into old folks homes for the elderly to have daycare, including old Mrs Fishcake, who now needs looking after a bit more and smelt very "old biddy"
One particular home was brilliant with the old dears and used to throw a Christmas party every year and ask us to get involved, usually one of the lads would dress up as Santa and have the old biddies sit on his k...nee etc, worryingly one year the guy who delivered the pig semen did it and seemed to get a bit too much into it...
Anyway this one year we have been invited to the xmas party and there are the usual nibbles and sandwiches and we are all tucking in apart from one of the drivers who wasnt eating
I asked him why, he said who do you think made the sandwiches
Obvious answer, the staff!
He says, nope, he came in earlier and Mrs Fishcake was busy sandwich making
We turn round at the exact moment Old Fishcake is having a good old scratch at her fanny!
Every sandwich went straight down and you have never seen such a big group of taxi drivers who are suddenly not hungry!!!
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Apologies to any of our customers in this position this xmas, some of our drivers love the old xmas songs!

TAXI DRIVERS
Every single one of you does this 😁

Todays tale involves a gentleman called Gordon the racist!
Gordon was a seemingly nice bloke but incredibly racist and often cracking inappropriate jokes in the office
At that time we did a contract taking elderly people to a rehab centre, they went for a month or so after they came out of hospital, One day Gordon is taking a quite posh lady, the lady chit chats in the usual way and asks Gordon if he likes his job
... Gordon says "Well it would be ok if it wasnt for all the Pakis coming over here and taking our work"
The posh lady says "Dont you like Pakistani drivers"
"Oh i love em" says Gordon "Id send em all on holiday
"Oh"
"Id send em all back to Pakistan in a big colander...."
Unfortunately for Gordon it turned out before she retired she worked for something like the race relations board and reported him to anyone who would listen, he was banned from doing contract work for the council for life!
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